2 years ago I found out that one of my best friends slept with my ex-girlfriend. It happened about 2 years after we broke up and to some of you this may be like “so what’s the big deal? I don’t get it? It’s not like you’re together or anything.”
In order to understand why that was such a big deal for you need to understand who I am. How I grew up. How I was always lousy with women. How finally at the age of 25 I started to “get it”. What psychological turnovers I’ve had in my life and that would be impossible to right down here. Those of you who already felt this pain, know what I’m talking about.
Today I found out that another good friend of mine slept with another ex. My most “complicated” ex. The one that I seem to go back to over and over (I guess that’s not going to happen soon….).
Not only did he sleep with her, but he did so after I asked him not too because I told him how much it would hurt me (I has a feeling something was going on between them). The details don’t really matter, bottom line I feel like crap now.
This is the second time such a thing happens to me and I can’t help but to start pondering about it. Why is this happening ? Is this a good thing ? How to handle all of this rage and confusion.
I must tell you that I have 2 way of viewing life which are pretty opposite and I still haven’t figured out which one of them I want to take:
The “good guy” approach – Life is all about empowering your environment, helping people and yourself, spreading out karma, and basically being good. By being good I don’t mean that you think of yourself as a good guy, but rather that you really ARE a good guy. You know how to resist temptation and to do what’s right when the moment comes. It’s not an easy task and I must say that I don’t know many people who live up to this expectation. This is how I lived my life up until today.
The “live the life” approach – Life is short and you should enjoy it while you can. Ideals, ethics and all of that crap is just things people make up in order to feel better about not actually doing what they want. If you want to sleep with someone’s girl and she wants you as well – do it. There’s no fair and not fair, there are only good players and bad players, and instead of moaning about how somebody screwed your girl, get yourself together and learn how to play the game. Although this sounds very “none heroic” I must say that I believe this approach has its wisdom as well.
I can’t help but think that guys who play the first approach get screwed by guys who take the second approach. It’s sort of the “nice guy” syndrome. But still I find myself torn between these two. I probably won’t get much sleep tonight….that’s for sure.
I talked to a friend of mine about this whole story today and he gave me a great metaphor which is called the “bad beat” approach. In poker, when 2 players go all in at the beginning they both expose their cards and one is always superior to the other. Now it’s time to unfold another 5 cards and see who wins the jackpot. If the superior guy loses because of bad luck that is called “bad beat”.
The thing is the best poker players don’t win over their opponents with “bad beats” because they will never go all in if they know they might lose in the first place. The only people who win through “bad beat” are the mediocre players which occasionally have luck on their side. So what happens is that the good players once in a while get nailed by the mediocre players but never nail anybody like that themselves. On the other hand, in the long run – They are the best players around, because they play according to their own inner rules.
Nice metaphor, not really sure if it fits in here but it’s definitely worth the thought. So that’s it basically, I have so much anger, rage, frustration, disappointment, grief and pain that I can’t really express right now.
Last time this happened it took me quite some time until I digested exactly how I felt and then I broke down, wonder what will happen this time. With all that said I can’t help but think that there is also a good side to this, that everything happens for a reason. That in some way this makes me stronger, more able to completely get over my ex, and see that I am a better man than I thought I was, because I don’t fall into these traps (although I had my chances).
“With great power comes great responsibility”
Good night for now.
No karma link today
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
ONLY “good guy”. He’s the one who gets the good girl. Even if she’s less hot than than the bad girl, it’s still the better choice.
..no?
what about expanding the field, instead of just 2 perhaps ‘extremes’ to be, like you suggested with the best players in poker go according to their inner rules….instead of playing the ‘nice/bad guy’ part, why not create yourself, and work according to YOUR inner rules and guidelines…
like the domino affect, if one pushes me and i push back another….all of my dominos are left on faced down on the floor…..
its when there’s something steady, rigid, that changes the course of the dominoes, shapes it to something more like an attractionor art, the movement of the dominoes become amusing, interesting and playful ….resembling life..
o.k. – had to comment. Sorry if this may sound a bit rough to your broken heart –
Quit playing the victim part. I don’t know you but it doesn’t become you at all. I get why you feel bad about the whole situation but pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Shit happens. This really is not complicated – basically this 2 people your “friend” and ex don’t really care about you and were willing to pay the price of your friendship for sex – well then – you should collect.
Also I must say that you don’t learn much from experience – you wrote that you always seem to go back to that ex and now you don’t think it will happen again soon – instead of writing – “I’m sure it will never happen ever again”. You’re setting yourself up for failure so don’t be surprised if you go back to her once again and get heart once again.
As for the good guy bad guy theory : life is not “ncis” . you should live the way you want, and you should do the things you want to do – you just need to remember that everything has a price and it all comes down to whether you are willing to pay that price or not.
In your case, your “friends” were willing and as I said before – you should definitely collect!!!