Well this feels wierd

It’s like coming back home after you’ve been abroad for 3 months. Feels, familiar, warm, some place where you can be accepted for what you are.

It’s been a very strange last two months. A lot has changed, I changed. Started to work on my relationship issues. It feels good. But I still feel alone. Especially at night sometimes, when I’m watching some nostalgic movie like “The never ending story” or something like that.

I also don’t want anyone reading this Blog anymore, I want it to be my own. A place for me to pour out whatever it is I want that will be saved on the net forever, so that when I’m 84 I can come back and read it.

I really do think I’ve been alone too long, I really do think I need a girlfriend right now. The only paradox is that once I start thinking this way it will never happen, I need to let it go, as sad as I feel.

During the last year and a half I found it really hard to cry. It’s not that I couldn’t cry, it’s just that every time I didn’t reach the depth I wanted it too, it was a superficial act and for some reason I couldn’t manage to reach the inner pain inside me. Lately I think this has changed. I feel much more connected to myself, much more alive. Even when I’m depressed I feel that I’m “holding my line” and experiencing life the way I want to – so I guess that’s a good thing.

I just hope that sooner or later something will turn out for the best. It’s been 12 months now that I have no steady income and almost 15 months since my last unhealthy relationship. I know that living on the edge is fun and exciting but I think I could use a rest from either one of these aspects. Just a short time out to regain my strength. The problem is, that I’m completely transformed now, and I’ll never rest until I have things my way. So it’s either getting what I want or continuing to try……..

Let’s hope for the first option soon enough.

I’m going to sleep, It’s nice talking to you again.

Bye for now.

O